Tag: relationships

Original Thought · Self Improvement

Arrogant

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Over the past month, I have been accused of being arrogant on at least four occasions. The accusers didn’t say I was arrogant but that what I was saying was arrogant. According to Meriam Webster’s definition of arrogant;

1 : exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one’s own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner an arrogant official
2 : showing an offensive attitude of superiority : proceeding from or characterized by arrogance an arrogant reply

I concede that what I said was controversial and worded in a way as to provoke debate but the only dog I have in the race is my opinion. I didn’t exaggerate or express superiority in my position even knowing that the people I was talking with held, a strong polar position. Am I responsible for how my views make you feel about yours? Can I express a differing proposition and allow you to express yours without delving into accusations of assumptive presumption?

If I state, as I did, that “I have easily and comfortably moved from an agnostic to an atheist”, which carries with it a challenge to understand am I pretentious? In these cases, I am sure that if I had said ” I am a follower of Christ”, these individuals may have seen pious sensibility rather than arrogance. Are superiority and inferiority built into differing opinions? I recognize that I see confidence in some leaders, who I share some agreement, while other people that I know look for high-handed pompousness. If I disagree with a policy, I can view the politician as mean-spirited while a supporter sees practicality.
Are my monikers and labels just laziness and laxness? Do I choose mean-spirited for its impact? Should pompous, haughty, proud, insolent, overbearing and arrogant be saved for circumstances that warrant their definition? Have I resorted to a logical fallacy when I create a straw man by invoking a fascist or pervert label when the words or behavior that I am critical of is neither? Did I get a taste of my own exaggerated medicine?
When I make a comparison between two things that share some characteristics, I need to be careful that the analogy only stretches to the common ground. When I am tempted to make a point by extending a ‘guilt-by-association’ inference I need to step back onside. I hold some strong views on equity, social justice and economy that are shared by people that I find detestable. Does that mean that I am detestable too?

Are the phenomena new or have we been shortcutting and caricaturing for centuries? My sense of awareness around the behavior is heightened, and I would like to blame it on the models we see from world leaders in government, business, and charity. But I am not sure that is a valid assessment. I have found examples of biting political satire from the 15th Century, so maybe this can’t be blamed on President Trump, Prime Minister May, Kim Jong-un, Silvio Berlusconi or Robert Mugabe.

Changing how speechwriters, editors, journalists, and pundits choose to describe ‘the other’ is outside my span of control. I can take everything with a pinch of salt, and I can consider how I choose my descriptors and match my intent to my words. That still leaves me a lot of latitudes and obviously, I can ignore the stated intent and be rancorous and obnoxious, but maybe this will force me to acknowledge my intent and accept responsibility. As in many things that I think and write about, this is easy to say and harder to do.

I keep learning, adapting, improving, faltering and getting excited, disappointed, confused but it id the only way I know I am alive.

B

Original Thought · Self Improvement · Uncertainty

Are you Courageous?

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Courage; where does yours come from? Courage isn’t the opposite of fear, it is the opposite of complacency. Complacency is the bastard child of certainty and convenience. When those two get together, they sap our curiousity, commitment, collaboration and destroys our courage by convincing us to continue clamoring confidently along. When we believe we are right, we don’t need to be courageous – just stubborn. When convenience removes all challenges or worse convinces us to avoid circumstances that cause inconvenience, we get stuck deeper in the muck of mediocrity (complacency’s cousin). It doesn’t take much mediocrity to bring about inertia. When the muck gets above our knees we become paralyzed.

Does it sound like a terrible state and a trap to be avoided? I spend a lot of my day reminding myself that I need to create a bit of chaos so I remain curious and vigilant.

The practice of avoiding complacency and encouraging courage, for me, is about embracing a bit of ambiguity in every moment.
I avoid over analyzing circumstances, which is an easier practice than I imagined. If I start digging into weeds, I lift up my head and think about the garden and the sky. If I go all big picture and start considering the global ramifications, I try to focus on the bottom of my feet and breathe deeply.

I have, thanks to Gretchen Rubin and Bernadette Jiwa’s work, adopted a habitual morning practice. It still causes me some angst to say that because I once felt that habit was a handcuff. But now I begin my day at 5am with a guided meditation and some language learning. By the time I get to my first coffee I have awakened my heart with reflection and my brain with a small challenge. The remainder of the morning before a run or workout has me roaming news and information sites. A forty minute to an hour exercise session takes me to 07:30 and the routine ends. The rest of the day can feel like fire fighting (some of the flare ups that I started) and work with clients and causes.

While I am often sharing responsibility for my time with appointments and meetings I avoid letting someone else highjack my agenda for the day. The choices I make either lead me to predictability or adventure. Predictably I usually choose adventure. If I believed in destiny, I would say ” I am destined for the next adventure” or ” Adventure is my destiny”. If I succumb to spending 12 hours working on a clients problem and curtail my personal plan for one day, I can make up for it. But if a demanding issue, that isn’t within my manifesto, begins to consume me I need to take back ownership of my schedule.

In an effort to combat certainty and manifest courage, I passionately stand up for my values and respectfully listen for points of agreement and points of diversion and then try to understand and synthesize differing points of reference and view. In diplomatically defending my ideas, I am forced to consider the why, what, where of the views and why I am so sure that they are valid. I bring myself to listen to and hear opinions and ‘facts’ that differ from mine and consider why, what, where again. It is hard to get complacent when I intentionally put myself on a rollercoaster.

In my bravest moments, I am not afraid of the change that comes from embracing uncertainty. I still surprise myself when I hear my voice digging in on a position with defensive posturing. ” Experts have shown”, ” We all know”, “The facts are” are all cowardly bullying if I am sincere in exploring new ideas and testing old ones.

I try to avoid definitive statements, definitive articles, and definitive tone when in a discussion or friendly debate. My curiousity should be to understand not to win points. If I practice an indefinate approach and keep my head, hands and heart open, I will hear, see, and feel the world differently and that is what excites me.

Make Today Remarkable, by exploring the impossible, embracing the unimagined and trying the undoable,

Bob

Original Thought · Self Improvement · Teamwork · Uncertainty

Some Ideas Should Be Self Evident

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Just because someone has influence doesn’t mean they have character. ~ Art  Jonak

It became crystal clear again this week that in the absence of character bluster and bravado are a poor replacement. When authorities and leaders resort to ad hominem and strawman attacks because they have made self-righteous and self-aggrandizing choices that they can’t defend with logic or honesty.

It would seem that I should be equally skeptical of the corollary ” just because someone has character doesn’t mean they have influence”.  It would be depressing and disappointing to consider that honesty, transparent, caring people lack influence. It is likely just a matter of scale. If 100,000 Twitter followers or 10,000,000 YouTube views suggests influence then a meaningful relationship and mentorship is insignificant. But if a changed life, a changed disposition or a changed heart is the measure then influence may be inversely proportional to following or views.

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I had two remarkable meetings today where we discussed a range of issues and differences of opinions. I left both with a fresh perspective, new data points and challenges and a sense of fulfillment. Both meetings were far more influential than any Facebook post or Instagram photo I will encounter today.

Make Today Remarkable, by setting your expectations at a human scale,

B

Self Improvement

Teamwork

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“Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishment toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.” Andrew Carnegie How do we discover and agree on a common vision if we all have a personal agenda. I have worked on teams that excelled and achieved uncommon results and worked with others on projects who believed that working together meant we all could do much less (because of our collective effort) and get the same results. The difference wasn’t the quality of the vision but rather the commitment of the people. Teams are relationships and not all people understand the commitment they make when they enter into a collective endeavor.

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“When a gifted team dedicates itself to unselfish trust and combines instinct with boldness and effort, it is ready to climb.” Patanjali Key to this quote is dedication and unselfishness before instinct, boldness and effort. Both require courage and both should be held to severe scrutiny. When joining others on a team project, their dedication and yours should be confirmed and an understanding arrived at that anyone can openly question another team members’ obligation to the common goals. Additionally if someone takes a selfish approach they should be subject to and willingly accept reproach. Then the gifts and talents become important and remarkable results will arise.

In the vein of easy to say harder to do, Casey Stengel said “Finding good players is easy. Getting them to play as a team is another story.” This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t seek the best people but team leadership needs to ensure through autonomy, mastery, and purpose that everyone is pulling the same ropes in the same direction. Any free loaders, malcontents and egoists should be released of their commitment and given the opportunity to seek other challenges. When that decision is needed, it needs to be fast, full and forceful – leaving no doubt or room for negotiation. Big, wicked problems can’t afford toxic participants on the solution focused team or the whole barrel becomes rotten.

Team leadership isn’t easy and it probably shouldn’t be. Disagreement is healthy, dissent necessary but distrust is dangerous. Encourage the former and then come to an acknowledgement of a path or process and don’t detour until the way is impossible or unfruitful. If you hit a wall that is unmovable, leadership should accept responsibility and redirect the team to a new starting point. If distrust wells up, face it and name it as quickly and honestly as possible. Make amends, atone, or abandon but don’t press onwards with doubt and skepticism in the air.

Make Today Remarkable, by challenging yourself and your team,

B

Original Thought · Self Improvement

A Simple Answer?

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The simple answer to every question is ” there is no simple answer”. Well that may be too simplistic, there probably are simple answers but they may not be complete, appropriate or valid. If the question is closed-ended and ‘yes or no’ is sufficient, it still isn’t really an answer. Closed responses are only closed because of the framing of the question. If I am asked ” Are you going to type a post today?” The answer to the specific request may be “yes” but the answer I should give might be ” Yes, if I get this project complete and go for a run before 7am”. Even then the answer is shorthand for a much longer and more comprehensive response. ” I am feeling a bit of stress with some projects and procrastination, I need to clear my head and heart before I tackle anything else. I am not sure I have anything left to say or if anyone is really listening”

Do we lose content and context when we accept simple answers? Would our lives be richer if we shared deeper emotions and honesty? The most common question we ask and hear is one that we very seldom answer truthfully. ” How are you?” gets a variety of “good”,”fine”, “I’m well”, ” busy”, “tired” …but is the question or response just a courtesy mantra? Are you sincere in understanding the state of wellbeing, health, finances, relationships of the person in front of you? Should we swear off the question “how are you?” if we really aren’t interested. And if I am interested, can I ask a deeper, better, more complex, open-ended question?

What if I said ” what is the best thing that has happened to you in the last 24 hours?” or ” how is your health?” or ” why did you decide to come to this event?” or ” how did you celebrate the weekend?”. The answers would be more interesting and reflective and after the strange look it would foster a higher level engagement. Are we ready to engage with some colleagues, family members, strangers or do we want to just pass though the space and go through the actions? Even the last question could have a ‘yes or no’ response but if we opt for deeper connections then we need to build in patience and time so that meaning and meaningfulness can rise up in stages.
The first time you hear an unexpected deep question, it might rattle you for a second. You probably won’t jump to transparency initially because the unusual provokes suspicion but trust is waiting in the query and if you can choose trust, a better, truer response will eventually come out.

Are you constructing your own barriers to meaningful conversations? Do you frame your bids with honest curiousity or are they tempered with cynicism, suspicion and reserved detachment? What are you hiding from? Are you fearful that some disclosure will be abused? Is it shame? distain? anxiety?
Are aware of the tendencies towards open or closed? Has this just become ‘your way of doing things’? Are you interested in change and willing to be involved in the lives of a chosen few ?

I confess that this lesson has been difficult to learn well. I have stumbled and fallen. I have disregarded my personal commitment to engagement when I felt anxious. I have resisted overtures and bids with flippant sarcasm and been dismissive of friends who frightened me with their openness. But I continue to try. I make progress and step back but the movement over the past year has generally been forward, towards stronger friendships, deeper relationships and interest in the feelings and interests of others (even when I don’t understand). Like most things, there isn’t a simple answer, or a single step but I am committed to making the most of the gifts of relationship that I have. It probably means that contrary to the social media frenzy of accumulation, I need to be discerning and dedicated to a few rather than the very many.

Make Today Remarkable, by asking difficult questions,

B

Original Thought · Self Improvement

Don’t Let Guilt Drag You Down

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guilt

Guilt slows us down. I think it is supposed to in the short term to create a window of reflection. But after a few minutes it bogs us down and swallows us up and moving forward through the morass becomes impossible. When you hear that tiny nagging voice inside your head, don’t ignore it – deal with it immediately. When you hear the sucking sound of disgrace and disillusion ask yourself ” what is deeply buried here?” If you answer that “I messed up” then ask ” how did I mess up?” ” what are the consequences?” “Who has been hurt?” ” Do I need to make amends?” Do it fast, do it fully and do it often. Guilt hates the true side of vulnerability – the recognition that we are not alone and that there are others in our lives that we need deeply. Guilt loves vulnerability that looks like isolation and self pity. Don’t give her space in your head and heart to draw you away from others and into dejection and sorrow. Stand up, speak up, make up and move on. The bandaid comes off cleanly when you do it quickly. There may be some scars and the cut might not be completely healed but this formula goes a long way to treating the wound.

The admission of guilt and the conviction to make amends keeps you humble, You are forced to display some of your warts and own them. In humility, relationships improve and long held views give way to new and improved possibilities.

When you fess up and fix what you messed up, it shows courage and a recognition that you are willing to admit your foibles and take risks to mend fences and relationships. Hiding behind curtains of denial, that everyone sees through, say ” I am more concerned about how I pretend I am than how you know I am. My rep is more important than our relationship.” Demonstrate great courage.

If you get trapped in a guilt bubble, your time and resources are no longer yours. The energy it takes to avoid the acknowledgement is exhausting and a terrible use of these assets. But sincere atonement saves time and resources and as soon as the confession leaves your mouth a weight is lifted. Even the reaction of the other(s) isn’t as important as the immediate intimacy that you feel with your true self. You will be better, will do better, and relationships will be restored – seems like three great reasons to admit, act and atone.

Make Today Remarkable, by getting rid of guilt,

B

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Today

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It was a grueling race and I needed to slow to a walk on a couple of hills but all in all a great track and a good run. I finished in the middle of the pack 122/260 and won my age group. Good thing I am getting older and most of the competition is getting younger. I said ” if I can still do this at 70, I should still be able to do a lot of things.

The remainder of the day was spent with my favorite person; my beloved in one of my favorite places. I think we like Canmore so much because we don’t have it every day, every week or even every month. There is no familiarity that breeds complacency. We saw new sites and spent some money on hats and a gift. One of our haunts had elocated to a new location but we passed their vacant digs first and were disappointed that it wasn’t there. Finding it a block north was like finding it anew. The streets of Canmore were busy on a cool Saturday afternoon and coffee at Beamers was delicious and entertaining. The international crowd; young travelers passing through the mountain parks or those that are working their way across North America and are spending a few months here seem to pick this crowded little shop. The buzz of accents and foreign languages are always uplifting. Three young guys, speaking German approached the counter and I didn’t hear there order but the question ” do you want whip cream with that” needed translation. I am not sure if he was satisfied with his friend’s version but I hope he enjoyed the topping on his cup.

After 40 years there is lots of familiarity between myself and my partner. We grew up together and were married very young. She supports me in all the craziness that is my life and all the stuff that I want to try. She was cheering loudly and snapping pictures at the race and was at the finish line with water and a congratulatory kiss. She ‘mothered’ me enough to make sure I had enough water, stretched and cooled down and then refueled with food and fruit from the race tables. It isn’t a control issue, she just loves me and knows me. She also knows that if I feel like I am being ‘made’ to do anything, I can dig in my size 9 1/2 shoes up to my heels and stubbornly ignore even the best of suggestions.

While the storefronts change and the inventory is different or even if we are strolling an avenue together for the first time, there is a camaraderie, a rhythm and an easiness that comes from 15000 hand-in- hand walks we have shared. We offer each other sensitive feedback on whether some garment or toy works or is a good buy. I make decisions easily so her advice usually tempers an impulse and I can be honest if I think something makes her look like her much older sister. We both ended up with new hats that we were told ” You guys rock those hats” so are pretty confident about the choices. Although the compliment did come from the staff at the store so she maybe had an ulterior motive.
When we are together, we don’t often finish each other’s sentences because most often we know that we are thinking the same thing. In some ways “we share a brain” and are so completely in sync. People who know us recognize the rhythm, but also would say that “you guys are so different from each other”. It is in the knowledge that we have history, ups and downs, shared victories and losses, and the confidence to say what needs to be said that we are free to see the world so differently. I see big pictures and am destination focused. Without her I wouldn’t see the beauty and curiousity of nature and would never have found Beamers with my nose. We compliment and tease, we keep the other in mind when making decisions, we live independent lives, and we work hard every day to continue to live happily ever after.
In the consistent and in the unexpected we share our joy and sorrow and in the differences we learn and are challenged to learn. Somehow sharing live together, this way brings fulfillment and in our daily appreciation of these blessings we acknowledge how fortunate we are to have found the other.

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What is Success

Bob McInnis1 Comment

When you win an argument, finish a project, or earn a promotion – is this success? If we measure success by momentary and temporary accomplishments will we be fulfilled?

There are consequences to all our action choices. If I succeed in winning an argument with my beloved but it leaves her feeling sad, how can that be positive? My ego is boosted by the win but my relationship is damaged too. If I work 70 hours a week for 6 months to finish an important project but my blood pressure and weight are dangerously high, is that good?

I have proposed that we have at least 7 elements in our life; Health, Fun. Relationships, Projects, Work, Financial, Spiritual. Don’t get caught up on the titles or definitions. The key is to observe how satisfied we are in each area and then noticing what the whole looks like. Most of us would see disharmony; one element high others low. One element dragging down others. One element taking away time, kinetic energy and reources while starving others. I don’t like to think of trying to balance these like a scale but rather seeking to honor each with care and attention. Success in one area is illusory if it comes at a cost in others.

 

There are many resources available to help find a rhythm that is harmonious and that creates success across your life wheel. If coaching is something that you would consider, contact me at bob@remarkablepeople.ca for a free 30 minute session.

 

Make Today Remarkable, by noticing,

B

 

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The Most of My Time

Bob McInnisLeave a comment

If I want to be a legend what do I need to do with my years to make the best use of the 80ish years I have? Can I have a more positive impact in the next 20 years than the last 20? Who is important in my life and how do I add value to theirs? What will be the measure of legendary when my times- relationships, money, influence, change, charity? All of them?

To make 20 years count I need to make each year count and each month and each week and each day. I need to be discerning and judicious without being an evangelical pain in the butt about each hour. “Is this the best way that I can spend this hour?” ” Will this move me closer to my goals or stall me in the mud?” ” Can I be closer to my grandsons if I choose to do X?” “What gift does this hour bring to a life lived fully?”

I can be a bit of a zealot when I reframe my path and need to find some ‘goofing off’ time for personal harmony. If I understand that I am recharged by certain activities that don’t have an easy metric towards the preferred future then I can cut myself some slack. 1 hour a day do do whatever I want seems reasonable for me. Is 1/24 somewhere near what you need? The 4% slack is what I am striving for this year  and I am keeping an eye  on how I feel and what I achieve. If I need more or less slack, I will adjust on the fly.

Do get where I want my life to be in 2036, I need to read, write, run, rest, relate, recreate, recompense and refresh. If about 30% of my day is in resting and 4% assigned  to slack then I need to be thinking about where I put an hour running, two hours writing, six hours working I still have 8-10 hours to add value to myself and those around me.

Sounds like a plan. Another easy to say, harder to do practice.

B

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The Last Sunday of 2016

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Another year is coming to a close, another chapter, with lots of loose ends is nearly written and I ponder lasts this morning. What were some of my lasts of 2015? Was there someone I spent time with that was the last time I will see them? Did I go somewhere that I will never return to?  Did I eat something that I won’t taste again? Did I do something that is completely in my past?

I remember my oldest son saying ” we do such a good job of recording our kid’s firsts – first steps, first word … but miss all the lasts. When was the last time that one of the kids crawled into bed with you, after having a bad dream? When did they last come to you crying about a broken relationship? When did they …

I don’t know what to do with the awareness that there are lasts. Maybe every day. I am going to be observant for the remainder of the year and try drink in the ‘lasts’ as much as the busyness allows.

Make Today Remarkable, for someone unexpected,

B